TILL DEATH FREES ME

I tell people that I’m fine, I like the frequency everything is on, it’s not perfect but it’s silent and no it’s not calm yet, I’m just content now and cool with whatever. I mean it gets to me but I don’t freak out like I used to or at all even, it’s just sighs and scuffs. There’s no routine except if going with the flow is something, I wake and have no plans. I don’t even try to stay alive, I don’t try to die either. I just say let’s imagine and pray till whatever happens happens ! Listening to sad songs over again or blue songs to connect with any feeling even if it’s sadness, I do that often because I really don’t feel and I want to feel, something, anything. It was not till lately, I found my self laughing subconsciously and saying “damn ! You’re really depressed and you’ve hit rock bottom”, my brain went forward to suggest checking myself into rehab, running or going to the square and screaming to everyone that depression is real, I mean how the movies portray it, it’s that real, that terrible ! I swear I know because I feel it. But I feel like they’ll come at me with questions like what if we’re not that depressed, we might just be a little bit but what if it got that deep because of movies we watched. I want to scream back that “hell nah ! The writers have seen something at least”. My goodness gracious ! The hole in my heart hurts even more now, that’s how I know I’m trying to feel something but my body isn’t letting me. Somebody call a Doctor or God himself please ! Every night he knows I cry to him loud but why though, why isn’t he answering. I didn’t want to have to go back to writing dark but if I don’t say what’s in there how do I heal ? I want to sit naked on the grass under the rain and cry, usually I’ll say scream but No, the frequency my life is on uses no energy, none at all ! The wind carries me ! I’m not 20 yet, maybe in a few months. I feel everything was a mistake, every action I’ve ever taken from the beginning is just wrong. I mean the goal is right but the path is just not it, I wasted time and we know we don’t have much of that. “Oyi’s: Diary : The Last Chapter”, that’s the name of this phase because after this I know I’ll disappear and my name will be erased from history books except for that one time you guys lied though ! It wouldn’t matter, I wouldn’t matter soon. In the end I’m fine but if I ever go “poof” please take care of my mother for me, I stole a lot from her, I stole her name first, she did too much for me to just “poof” and if I’m still here ? Still help me cover up the wreck I am so she doesn’t notice and to my father, tell him I understand but he wasn’t perfect himself and he messed a lot up, tell my parents I’m sorry for me. I'm sorry to everyone for everything and anything, please forgive me while I'm trying to forgive myself. I believe in second chances but I dont have tha facilities to restart, I really messed up ! It's not my fault but who would I put the blame on ?